FIND YOUR NATURE: No Goodbyes in Nature

No Goodbyes, Just See You Later

Hi friends,

It’s been a heartening week of being with family after my husband’s grandmother, Grammy, passed away. Up until a few weeks ago, the woman had a stacked social calendar and always had time to catch up with her adored family, friends, and neighbors. At age 91, she was sharp as a tack, maintained a show-worthy garden where I married my husband, and regularly played tennis up until a few years ago. She was the matriarch of my husband’s big, bold Jewish family and she lived for every minute of it.

In her final days, she shared wisdom on loving deeply with her youngest grandson, who will get married this summer. With my husband, she shared a vision for our garden staircase, flanked in two big bushes. Her daughters came through in shifts to provide love, support, comfort in the midst of making very difficult decisions about their dear mother. They also took time to reminisce, sing, and laugh about a life well-lived. And when she could no longer summon the energy to speak, she sat in pure, loving silence with her companion and partner of the last 8 years.

As she rested inside, my husband and I walked around her home, appreciating and recognizing all of the plants that she had cared for over decades in the home. We admired the 100+ year old black walnut tree, the varieties of rhododendrons getting ready for spring, and sweet smelling daphne. We struggled to recall the names of certain ones, and I paused to cry, knowing that we can no longer just ask Grammy. Under the rose-covered arbor, I laughed as I recalled her sneaking a few fake roses onto that arbor on our wedding day so that it looked extra full. Grammy was still very much alive in that garden.

Grammy in Our Happy Place

A day after that visit, Grammy’s body came to a stop. In that moment, she was surrounded by the love of daughters, her companion, and a wonderful hospice team. We received the call letting us know she had passed, and my heart sunk.

What are we to do without her? What is life going to be like without her guidance and presence?

At a loss, I put the kids to bed and I went to the place that brings me peace and space for reflection: the forest. With a headlamp on my forehead, I climbed the stairs with my eyes focused on the ground a few feet in front of me. It was silent with the exception of a few croaking toads and an owl in the distance. My feet carried me along my normal route, sluggishly moving across the ground covered in pine needles and moss.

I lifted my head and the light bounced off a sign posted on one of the trees—Our Happy Place. A seemingly divine message that happened to be one of the last gifts we received from Grammy. In an instant, a smile filled my face and I knew she was there with me. I could hear her jovial laugh, and her spirit filled the space. I heard her say, “Oh honey, I may be gone, but I am always present.”

Grammy was an embodiment of love, generosity, and kindness. She infused those qualities in everything she did, everyone she knew, and everything she touched. We will never be without her because her impact was profound, and her gifts are reflected in the people and world all around us. 

So instead of goodbye, I will simply continue my conversation with Grammy in the many places she shows up. 

May Grammy’s life be a reminder to all of us to wholeheartedly love ourselves, each other, and the beautiful world around us. Be kind, stay curious, and take care.

Hillarie