Farm Friends Unite

BGCL Newsletter

BGCL Newsletter invites you to heal and transform through intentional living and slowing down. Take a pause from modern life to recall what is essential. 💚

“There’s a marked difference between acquaintances and friends. Most people really don’t become friends. They become deep and serious acquaintances. But in a friendship you get to know the spirit of another person; and your values coincide.” ― Maya Angelou

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Hey friends,

Making new friends in adulthood is no picnic. When I moved to Seattle over a decade ago, people warned me that the weather made it extra hard to connect with new folks. This is so prevalent that there is a name for the phenomenon—the Seattle Freeze. It is easily summed up as telling someone, “Let’s definitely get together soon!” but never following up. Or dodging invites because it’s dark and chilly outside.

Not too long after moving to the area, I found myself playing this game as well. I’d meet someone interesting, we’d exchange numbers, and soon enough, we’d be happily ignoring each other. The potential of a meaningful friendship could not overcome the friction putting on a rain boots to step out in the dank weather. Instead, we’d cancel plans to mope around our apartments, complaining about how lonely the city felt. It was total self-sabotage, but playing the game gave us plausible deniability that maybe we didn’t care.

When I moved to the country, I knew I wanted to lay down roots, get to know this community, and have some good friends nearby. I was ready for some new friendships in my life and wanted to find other woman who were ready to reciprocate. I wanted friends who I could laugh, cry, and rage with. Friends who I could invite over for dinner or meetup with for a coffee. Friends who I could call up late in the evening with a heavy heart, or drop off a pot of soup when times were tough.

I wanted all of these things, but could I really do the work to earn any of this? Was I willing to bare enough of my soul to have inside jokes with other women? To open up my home to new friends? To listen deeply to another woman’s heartache so that they could reciprocate I needed it most? I had my doubts that I could pull this off, but I was willing to give it a try.

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As a mother of two young kiddos and working a full-time job, my friend pursuit needed to fit within the structure of my day-to-day life. They had to be in places where I was already hanging out. At that time, we were doing projects in our yard, fixing broken things in our house, and I was easing into the domestic work of homesteading. These projects naturally made me a regular at out local country supply shops, hardware stores, nursery centers, and farmer’s market.

Armed with lists of newbie questions, I began to seek out the helpful and familiar faces as I ran my errands:

• Q: What’s the difference between soil and dirt? A: Soil is filled with life and nutrients, dirt is dead.

• Q: Why isn’t my basil growing ? A: Because it planted it outside. Don’t do that. I told you not to do that. Basil hates the cool weather at night in the PNW.

• Q: Should I get chickens or ducks? A: It depends.

The more showed up to ask my basic questions, the more I started to appreciate the folks who were sharing their wells of wisdom with me. Our conversations about plants, parts, and processes started to evolve into chats about life. We began to exchange details about family, upcoming plans, and ideas for the future. I started to show up at these spots for nothing in particular, other than catching up with these budding friends. Something was happening.

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These little chats moved into text conversations, phone calls, and a few small get-togethers. I tried to allow things to unfold naturally, holding back my eagerness to have bff status friends. I kept reminding myself that these things take time and that not all friendships would look the same. I reassured myself that I was doing all the right things and in time my people would become apparent.

New friends began to make introductions to old friends. Friendships began to overlap as I started to hear the same names and see the same faces on a regular basis. The main connective tissue between us all seemed to be the farmer’s market. Beyond buying my weekly produce and treats, it also became a home base for seeing my familiar faces, boosting morale, and sharing aspirational ideas about farming.

Week after week we showed up for each other in different ways, offering support through a tough season of life and farming. In the late summer, one of my new farm friends invited a few of us over for an online workshop. Specifically, a workshop about how to start a co-op, an idea that we had casually discussed over the last few months. Casually as in, “lol wouldn’t that be wild if one day we started a co-op?” And then this happened.

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There were five us us that gathered, all friendly after a summer of adventures together. As the start time approached, we migrated to the living room with bowls of snacks to arrange ourselves around a laptop screen. A silence fell over the space as we all quietly wondered whether this was really happening. Zoom teleported us into a space of dreamers from around the country and we began to imagine the possibilities together.

The discomfort of the unknown started to ease up as we moved past the specifics of co-ops and started to envision what we could create together. We were a tough group of farmers, mothers, business owners, community leaders, creators, and general badasses, all under the age of 40. We shared a belief that foodways and communities of care can and should work for more people. We also believed that we could create them together.

We reached the half-way point of the workshop and were released for a short break. For a moment, we sat in silence, each processing the mountain of information we received and the monumental undertaking that this could be. Details about co-op models, financing, and organizational structures swirled around our heads. Without saying a word, we all seemed to be wondering whether we could actually pull this off. Wondering how committed each of us was to this idea.

Someone broke the silence to ask in jest, “So, does anyone want to leave?” The air in the room was lifted in laughter as we glanced around nervously to see who might be headed towards the exit. The bravest of us all declared, “Absolutely not, we are fucking doing this.” It was followed by a piling on of reassurance and excitement that this was going to happen. How, when, or where any of this would take place was a mystery. But each of us was committed to do the work to figure it out.

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It was at that moment that I realized I had made friends—farm friends. Adult me had done the difficult and anxiety-inducing work of showing up consistently. I resisted the temptation to sit home alone and instead found the courage to persist. I had worked through my fear of putting myself out there and found some incredible people in the process.

And not only had I put in the work, these other women showed up in big ways that I admire so much. They bared their souls, gave generously, and laughed liberally through many difficult moments. Their consistency and kindness made it easy for me to say ‘fuck yes’ to creating something along side them. They proved that they are willing to put in the hard work, and that is invaluable in friendship and in life.

It is unclear how or when we will arrive at a destination with this idea, but in my mind the most difficult work is behind us. We have found the friends and partners we need to help us move into this next season of life. The rest will fall into place with time and patience, just like a true friendship.

So tell me: What is your biggest challenge when it comes to making friends? You can hit reply to share with me directly or leave a comment on the Substack BGCL community page. 

Thanks for taking time to slow down and be present with me this week. Take care, be kind, and we'll talk soon,

Hillarie